Lessons on Loss
This is a letter to the caregivers, the bereaved, and anyone who’s experienced loss…As milestones and holidays come and go, those moments in life change for many of us. Personally, I find Mother’s Day to be particularly difficult. I wonder how to commemorate such a holiday. There are very few words to describe the persistent nature of “loss”.
Although my mother is still alive and present physically, our family has been navigating the trials and treatment of her Huntington’s Disease (HD) since she was diagnosed in 2009. HD is a rare genetic disorder that causes certain parts of the brain to deteriorate, resulting in physical, cognitive, and emotional symptoms. After years of caring for her in our home, she was recently admitted into a permanent care facility in April….This was the first year that my mother was not home to celebrate Mother’s Day and Father’s Day with us.
Since the onset of my mother’s illness, I have sought out many ways of coping: medication, yoga, counseling, hypnotherapy and other forms of integrative medicine. I have found relief through art-making and journaling. Creative outlets have been the most helpful way for me to process the unpredictable waves of grief. I like to think that my career in art therapy and sharing my story are ways I can give back; paying forward a promise of hope for individuals experiencing similar situations.
When it comes to loss, there is no quick fix. There is no instruction manual on healing and acceptance. I have learned to let the emotions come and go, allowing them to take up space inside my head and heart. I have pieced together ways to find comfort. When grief trickles in, these are the things I do to take care of myself:
Confined in my friends and family. Sometimes this means venting and verbally expressing my emotions. Other times I will reach out to loved ones who provide a positive diversion and help me feel less alone.
Gentle exercise and movement. Physical activity releases brain chemicals such as endorphins, which help mitigate negative emotions. I have found that going on long walks, swimming, and practicing yoga help to regulate my mood and clear my mind.
Expressing feelings in tangible ways. When my mom was admitted into the care facility I decided to take on new projects. I purchased DIY kits and experimented with easy to learn art forms such as weaving, journaling, jewelry making, etc. Creating art provides me with a sense of accomplishment and pride. It helps me regain feelings of control, which are often lost when I’m faced with the challenges surrounding my mother’s illness. Sometimes I will create art that honors her legacy by making jewelry with her initials or birthday, or drawing and painting her favorite things.
Spending time outdoors. Connecting with nature is a primal need. Flowers, freshly cut grass, rain, and the smell of trees help me feel calmer and more relaxed. I believe nature teaches us valuable lessons and reveals positive metaphors for healing. The changes of the seasons reflect the hills and valleys we go through in life. Rivers remind us to “go with the flow”, and with each new day brings new opportunities.
Doing things that make me feel connected to my mom. On the days that I deeply miss my mom, I will visit our favorite places, eat her favorite foods, or listen to a playlist of her favorite songs. Last year I created a memory box to keep pictures and sentimental items. Doing these activities provide a sense of familiarity and help me feel connected to her. It helps me shift my focus on happy memories and promotes feelings of gratitude, rather than loss.
Keepsakes from my mom… A rolling ring that her and her best friends shared, her engagement ring I had made into a necklace, a sentimental note from when I was a teen, and one of my favorite pictures of her.
The biggest lesson I’ve learned: live my life the way my mother would want me to. I try to find joy everywhere I look and live every day to the fullest. The parts of myself that I love the most come from my mother. She lived her life for me, my sister, and my dad-now it is time that we do the same for her.
To anyone struggling with loss, there is some semblance of hope to be found in time. Time will soften the edges, allowing you to live your truth and find a sense of peace. I hope my words bring you comfort, whatever you’re going through.